What’s Up Doc?

I understand that it’s human nature to ask “why?” when we hear that someone really hates something. Curious bunch aren’t we?

Given my hate-hate relationship with Tilly, I think it’s time to begin  outlining all of the reasons that she and I just don’t get along.

So, why not start at the very beginning.

At the ripe young age of 15 I sat in my local GP’s office with the ultrasound results in my hand. I’d often visited his office to discuss a range of troubles with my irregular extremely heavy periods, my acne, my sudden and embarrassing excess hair growth, my moods and my weight problem.

It wasn’t until now that we’d taken the leap to really find out why. It couldn’t be blamed on typical puberty blues anymore. No, I wasn’t just a bitchy teen, something was seriously wrong here.

Doc looks through the ultrasound images and the accompanying report, clicking his tongue as another flake of dandruff floats down onto his shoulder like a delicate little snowflake. Fuck…..it’s really coming down up there…..does it even snow in Queensland? I didn’t think so.

Finally, it seemed that all of the puzzle pieces had fit together. ” Well Rebecca” he says, scratching his head, “you my dear, have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS)”.

What? I have what?

“This means that your ovaries don’t function normally, they’re riddled with tiny little cysts. You will find it terribly difficult to have children as you wont ovulate naturally – oh – and there’s no cure”.

I sat there processing this information. Children? Fuck off snowy! I’m 15 (going on 30) I hadn’t even thought about that. I mean, all I cared about was my new Limp Bizkit album, Dashboard Confessional, staying up ALL night talking to my boyfriend on my new beaut Nokia 3315 and hanging out with my friends at lunch after Morgo’s art class.

Snowy goes on to say – ” If you ever want to have children, I suggest that you make that decision early. But for now we’ll get you on some diabetic medication and birth control to manage those pesky PCOS symptoms”.

Yep, sure thing snowfields. And, my hatred for Tilly was born.

I’m sure that having a family one day is something that a lot of girls dream about. We dream about the perfect husband, the perfect house with the white picket fence and the 2.5 kids playing in the backyard on the Sir Walter.

I now felt that I didn’t have a chance to write my own future. After researching PCOS on my dial up internet connection, I had a preview of what my future might look like.

So, while the other kids sat their OP exams dreaming about becoming a doctor, a lawyer or a teacher one day; I sat there and dreamed about one day, becoming a mum.

Little did I know, Tilly was there, sitting back in her lounge chair sipping her coffee and smoking her cigarette. I know now, she was chortling to herself thinking ” Yeah, well, we’ll see about that idea kiddo.”

 

Advertisements

Welcome!

Hi! Thanks for making the trip over to take a look. There are some burning questions that I need answered.

Who am I? Why am I here? What does the universe want from me?

Blah blah blah….HA! Had you going for a second there….

Let’s be honest. Yes, sometimes,  life sucks. It really fucking sucks. But, I’m not about to feed you some pretentious new age garbage.

I’m not going to tell you that my star sign or chakra has an impact on how I feel as I write this, or that the alignment of the planets will ultimately answer all of life’s questions. Hogwash.

I can’t promise that you’ll be able to understand or always relate to this. I can’t promise that the truth from my perspective will be easy to read or that sometimes this won’t be an outright free for all whinging bitch fest.

I can promise nothing but the truth as I see it, from my experience. So thank you for coming to get to really know what makes me, me.

Now, settle down, get yourself a cuppa or a vodka (no judgements) and relax.

Those who knew ‘me’ a few years back would say that I’m an outgoing, vibrant and funny person.  Centre of attention and life of the party. The one you can go to when you need to talk or just have fun! These days, I’d call those people bloody liars.

What most don’t know is that there’s a weight that I carry with me everywhere I go. No, I’m not referring to the extra kilos of weight on my ass that I can’t shift, I’m referring to the invisible voice inside. The internal disability slowly chipping away at every fibre of my being.

Infertility and her friends, anxiety and depression. For the purposes of this exercise, I’ve named her Tilly. Tilly, the dead set cunt.

Yes, I’ll admit it, this is a femmeblog. So fellas, feel free to check out now.  I wouldn’t blame you.  But maybe,  one day (or right now) this may affect your wife, girlfriend, sister, god forbid – your daughter. If there’s ever a chance for you to understand or gain a little insight,  this is it.  Gory details and all.

For this to be considered a taboo subject when it has been reported that 5 -10% of the female population suffer from the Tilly’s curse during their reproductive age just baffles me.  People don’t like to talk about it. It’s almost ‘if you can’t see it, it doesn’t exist’. I once heard female infertility being referred to as ‘the married woman’s private shame’. I thought yes, how shameful that my body doesn’t work how nature intended. Shameful for who?

I’m not saying that there should be a weekly meeting for us. Shit, just imagine it…”Hi, my name’s Bec, and I’m barren”. No. But I’m not ashamed.

I’m not going to say that this 11 year long journey of mine has been easy. Not even a day goes by where Tilly doesn’t rear her ugly head in one way or another. The all consuming control freak that she is.

My aim for this is to demonstrate, from my perspective, how Tilly applies a filter to the way you see the world. How she weaves her way into everyday life in a completely unescapable fashion.

As I wrote this while listening to the radio, the hosts put the shout out to their listeners to call in and tell them how many children are in their family after a report of a woman with 13 children. 13 fucking children. Tilly pipes up a reminds me that I can’t even have one. Just one.

So, I’m about to take the biggest step of my life in an attempt to put an end to Tilly’s and my hate – hate relationship. But for now, Tilly and her reign continues….